Dark nights and the journey ahead

I’ve always had problems expressing my emotions (both to myself and others) and it took one especially bad experience for my heart to finally reach its limit and explode all those  thoughts into letters and words. This was the best I could do to describe it, maybe others have similar feelings sometimes…………

………..

I feel like I’ve finally come to the edge, to this point of darkness that I had been testing for so long that it came to a point where I felt as though I’d gone mad.

I think I did go mad for a moment, I was so confused.

Like the voice that tells me to get myself back together again, that this will pass, became lost and then I didn’t know which voice was truly mine anymore. I was drowning in myself and there was no-one to pull me out; not my family, friends, aya, just me, only even I abandoned myself for that moment.

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In the last few months I have experienced so much happiness and bliss where it glowed so intensely I thought I might die from it. Those experiences that blew my mind, they were so high. Standing, with vertigo, atop grassy Mayan ruins overlooking the jungle, hiking alone picking flowers and talking with them at sunset in the pine trees, not afraid, swimming on secluded turquoise beaches, finding deep connections with people from different worlds and lives. I felt beautiful, intelligent, free. I was living passionately, feeling with every part of my body and appreciating it all. There was no one else, just me, and I was happy.

I kept testing it and pushing it, trying to understand it better, putting myself in difficult situations to test my resilience….. part of me knowing that it would likely come crashing back into balance again and it has.

I felt like I plunged so deep into the dark roots of myself this time I thought I might never come back. That heaviness, hopeless loneliness, inadequacy, and heartache and stress, I could hardly bear.

What is it that one day I could feel so completely in awe of my own body and life, my mind strong and resilient, the sun is warm and nothing touches me, but another day I become so lost in darkness and my own terrible thoughts that I completely forget what it was like to feel happy. I remind myself of those good days but they seem trivial in the dark.

But on those good days I forget what the bad days were like and I feel comfortable telling others my struggles and they give me advice and I listen but I shrug it off saying I can deal with it, I’m not that weak. “The bad things help me grow” and it does and I can deal with my emotions. I tell others it’s not so bad and I don’t say any more. And then when I feel the lows I think, how could you forget how horrible this is? I’ve never felt so terrible before.

I have so many things to feel grateful for I tell myself, skills I can pursue, so many futures I can have if I try, I am in-tune with my surroundings, I am powerful and brave; but when I have these nights they overshadow it all and I lose my purpose and I just have to let myself be numb for a while, write those days off and wait for it to pass, and then let the sun shine again.

I don’t write it, I’ve always struggled to write my feelings and wished I could…. because they seem so stupid afterwards. Am I the only one who feels this way? “That was only temporary.” But a part of myself, the part I always thought weak, knew that my feelings were real and that I can be okay.

The only thing that heals for me is time passing. I need to find quiet, the beach, earth and trees and open skies and I remind myself that I am an animal, an organism, and how infinitely small we are on this planet in the universe. I get too caught up in my own world that I need to find myself again in this real moment, with grass beneath my feet, the clouds, the stars, the wind. When I’m outside things are clear. I am present. I remember those moments more than any other.

In the last year it feels as though I have experienced every shade of emotion. My capacity for love for another was so overwhelmingly strong that I feared it, feared having it ripped from me because I was so vulnerable. I placed my love on another being and left none for myself. I thought our love was invincible, it was so strong, and it was.

I found myself struggling alone; what if he decided to leave me, what then? Why are you letting yourself feel this way? It’s not him that controls your feelings, it’s you. I felt weak and dependent and berated myself for it. When distance and separation brought heartache I wrestled through some of the worst lows in my life. I felt betrayed and out of control.

Meeting again brought back all the beautiful memories in my mind and new magical ones were shared but some darkness lingered with it this time.

Sometimes I feel desperate for rescue, as though someone will see without words that I need help and that they will be strong for me, but I know that I need to save myself and that no-one can understand my emotional self if I don’t share it.

My fear of honesty and openness may have saved me from judgment and vulnerability but I know that it gets in the way of new lessons and raw emotional beauty.

I couldn’t convey to him that I needed to find myself again. That in the years I was getting so caught between different ideas of myself and who I could be that I no longer knew which one I wanted. I needed to test my capability for emotion, for experience, I didn’t want to follow anyone. I needed to do that alone. I still loved him but I needed to know what I could do.

I wanted to open all the doors, connecting with new people and finding new perspectives. I changed. I became lots of different people and myself all at once. The future was forgotten. I didn’t want to let go but forever is finite. When the changes came I lost the person most important to me. In my journey to challenge myself, meant I also lost the one who I probably shared the most with. We became new people and new chapters were being written. And I didn’t know if I was happy or sad about it. Both probably.

I didn’t know who I was then. I was standing on the cliffs watching pacific golden red sunsets by myself, I cried, or it felt like I did. Was I this new wild and independent being who didn’t need anyone but herself, testing her mind with relationships, situations, and drugs, trekking and hitchhiking through challenging places without security? Or was that all a facade and was I still that quiet girl who read constantly, listened to Bob Dylan, only ever listened, and dreamt of all the things she wanted to give but didn’t know how?

I wanted to be a writer. An artist. But to be that meant I didn’t live a boring life, that was my responsibility. I need to feel intensely, find beauty in all things, fall in love with everything. Listen to strangers. Go to new places and do new things and say yes to it all. I needed to feel.

But I’ve always been afraid to write because I thought it would be inadequate. I thought, what makes what I have to say any better than what anyone else could do? And could probably do better? But then I get all confused in what is “better” and why I think in that frame of mind?

I felt like living and constantly finding new places was my art. Challenging capabilities was how I was an artist. But I realise I need more than that. Sometimes I have no fear of death, am happy with my existence in this world and what awaits, but other times it becomes my greatest nightmare because I still haven’t discovered my capabilities. I’m not done with swimming in cold creeks, feeling the sun, tasting new things, loving and moving.

Now I’m in a city where I can’t see the stars. Everything is art but it’s an intellectual kind of art and nobody feels really connected. Everything is about aesthetic. I see buildings and architecture and art that is admired by the intellectual world but I just feel lost. I go to bars with new people and explore hidden parts of town but it’s not enough. I can’t find anything to inspire me. I was scared and lost that confidence I had before. I wasn’t myself and let people take advantage of it.

I realised that I need to find my connection again, be comfortable in my skin again and not afraid to lose people for it, because being myself will gain a richer life rooted in the present. My connection to Australia, my abundant homeland where I can be open and share with friends and swim and hike and admire the rich land. To Mexico, where I discovered a strong connection with the people, culture and land and found the brave person within me.

I want to come back to nature and fulfil my purpose. Being alone showed me my connection with the land and I want to give back to the place that gave me so much before I return to the tunnels of time. This fertile earth is where I belong and nourishing it gives me happiness. I want to live among the trees and sea and stars, know people and share laughs and tears with them on a closer level.

The only way I feel I can overcome the dark feelings is with love and compassion, maybe then I will express myself fully and creatively. I want to give to others, share the beauty that those highs have given me. I want to love everything completely, share life and the journey with others from a place of purity. I want to live without focus on money, competitiveness, and expectations for the future.

Those dark days keep me humble. I want to use that bad place to learn and to inspire the happiness. To find true happiness and connection with others. To give that sadness a form so that I can use it to plant new thoughts. Not be afraid when those dark moments do inevitably come, because they will keep coming as I continue to experience the scale of life’s cinematic qualities.

I reached my worst place and now it’s giving me clarity and determination to know myself. I know pure magical happiness and desperate grief. I’m learning every day and I have seen so much of this earth and the different people within it. I need to continue being brave and living gratefully and in kindness and love.

I feel better now, having forced myself to put words to my thoughts and accept the darkness. I know I’m going to be okay if I remember balance of light and dark and don’t let it overwhelm me.

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